I don't want to be the whining fucking pussy here, but could any of you tell me please what is wrong with you ladies? Are you stupid? Blind perhaps? I see a guy, one of those guys you're so keen to date, and I know for sure he's an asshole who'll cheat on you, steal from you, come home drunk and violent. I already know that he'll make you think you're fat and ugly, and that you couldn't make it on your own; that you're worthless, can't cook nor clean the house properly, that your ass is huge and your tits too small.

I know way too many girls, and you're fucking annoying. It's not even that you fall for them, but that afterwards you say "there's no nice guys left", and that "all men are pigs". And you're saying that to me, the sweetest fucking dick-bearing creature on the planet.

Well, there's only two ways out of this: either you grow up and start acting like the damn adults you're supposed to be — which, considering your track record, I find highly unlikely — or I can adapt to the environment I'm in and become a jerk.

And I don't want to be a jerk, so ladies, repeat after me:

a) When a guy says

• "You look very nice in this dress",
• "I'd like to get to know you better", and
• "I think about you all the time"

, he means respectively

• "You tits look good in this dress",
• "I wonder how your pussy feels like", and
• "I think about you while jacking off"

b) If he hits you once, he'll do it again. He has no right to hit you, no matter what he says, and no matter what the circumstances. You are a human being and you have your rights. And no matter how much you love him, if he hurts you on purporse it means that he doesn't love you back. We don't want our loved ones to suffer.

c) If he cheats on you with another woman once, he'll do it again. He has no right to sleep with anyone except you, unless you choose to let him. But if you let him do that, you're fucked anyway.

d) All man want to conquer, don't let yours feel like he's got all he wants. Give him what makes him happy, but not unless he gives you what makes you happy. And I mean HAPPY.

e) If you're afraid to take him somewhere for that he's likely to do something really dumb, dump his ass. He's not a kid and should have learned how to behave by now. If he didn't, you're playing a mother to a guy who's your age. And you've got serious issues.

f) Each time you find yourself saying "but overall, he is a good guy" it means he's not.

g) You are special. He's just a guy.

And you'd better get to it quickly, 'cause if I turn into a jerk, you're fucked. I'm really good at being bad.